Ump on a Blog

By now everyone is familiar with the story surrounding Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s resignation, though the actual reasons for her premature departure remain a mystery. What came to light over the weekend was the statement by her attorney, Thomas Van Flein, in which he threatened to sue… well, pretty much anybody who said, wrote, or broadcast anything bad about Soon-To-Be-Ex-Governor Palin.

Last I checked, free speech was still the law of the land, am I right about that? The Fascist Four on the Supreme Court didn’t get that scuttled while I was at the dog park or anything, did they? No? Okay, so we’re good.

At any rate, the primary target of Van Flein’s ire appears to be Huffington Post blogger Shannyn Moore, who has reported on rumors swirling around the Governor-But-Not-For-Long regarding a contract that was awarded to construct something-or-other in Wasilla. The winning bidder then turned around and “helped” the Palins build their house (to the tune of thousands of dollars in free materials and labor). The word they are using is “embezzlement,” though I’m not sure it meets that definition exactly, but it’s certainly not legal no matter what you call it. The rumor, as reported by Moore on HuffPo, is that a federal investigation is underway and indictments could be forthcoming.

So now that the threats are flying and Soon-To-Be-Private-Citizen Palin has her lawyer knee-jerking at every twitch from the Progressive media, it’s probably appropriate for me to release the results of my in-depth investigative journalist reporting. I have undertaken a comprehensive study spanning nearly twenty minutes and citing almost a half-dozen anonymous and barely-credible sources to come up with the following information, which of course, is all true. Every word of it. I swear.

Sarah Palin worked as a live-in prostitute on an off-shore oil rig for nine years, contracting a total of forty-one different venereal diseases and obtaining no fewer than eight abortions — all while married to Todd, who strung her out on heroin and acted as her pimp. She was recently investigated for illegally importing llamas from Peru, taking pictures of herself performing sex acts with the animals, and selling the photos to off-shore porn interests. And she has also been involved for twelve years in a lesbian sex club that meets in a different city every month for wild orgies of at least twenty women at a time. She conceals her identity at these gatherings by impersonating Monica Lewinsky.

Sarah Palin also has a long history of quitting various offices, jobs, and organizations. The following is a selection from the list of over 150 organizations she has quit since her teen years: girl scouts, cheerleading, 4-H, Madame Baldprairie’s Pageant Prep Academy, waitress at Gawkers Topless Steakhouse, Wasilla Hockey Moms’ Knitting Guild, AA group counseling, PTA, Alaskans Against Renewable Energy, Kill, Baby, Kill! — Wolf Hunting For Moms and Toddlers, shift manager at Northwest Telemarketing, Americans Who Hate Americans Who Hate Us, and the Juneau Township Machine Gun Owner’s Association.

Finally, while Ms. Palin has raged against the exploitation of her children in the press, she has pushed them center stage for the coming years. Her book deal with Rupert Murdoch includes an option to pick up the forthcoming works by three of the Palin children. Oldest boy Track has penned a short story entitled, “My Sister The Slut,” a fictional work about a teenaged girl who gets drunk at parties six nights a week, and gets pregnant without knowing who the father really is. Oldest daughter Bristol will take her abstinence-is-best stance to the mainstream with her forthcoming, “Like Mother, Like Daughter: What my mom taught me about boys, sex and shotgun weddings”. And finally, youngest daughter Piper will be writing a children’s book entitled, “Daddy’s Gun Is Fun!” Illustrations will be done by an artist recommended by the National Rifle Association.

There you have it, the whole honest-to-goodness truth of all of the hard-hitting investigative journalism I could cobble together in the space of an hour. But it’s all true, I swear! All of it!

So Mr. Van Flein, I hope to be receiving your summons in the mail soon. If you are looking to contact me, please see the “About” page on this blog, and it will tell you where to go.

Boy, they’re falling down faster than they can set them up, aren’t they?

On Wednesday South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford returned from a bizarre trip to what turned out to be Buenos Aires, then held a press conference to admit his affair with an Argentinian woman that he’s known for close to a decade. He joins the lengthy list of Republican politicians who have pressed the self-destruct buttons on their political careers, giving in to their baser instincts for money, power, pleasure, or chemically-induced euphoria.

So long is the list, in fact, that it’s hard to keep up. Nary a week ago we had the Republican Senator from Nevada John Ensign confessing to an affair with a former staffer, now this. Looking back over just the last four years you find names like Foley, Cunningham, Tobias, DeLay, Stevens, Boehner, Murphy, Privette, Flory, Vitter, Allen, and on and on. And those are just the ones we know about! Chances are there are at least that many, if not more, with skeletons in the closet we just haven’t found yet.

To that end, I think we should make the best of what is surely a tragic situation and have a little fun with it.

Let’s start a betting pool.

We’ll compile a list of every GOP elected official from the state level on up, including governors and mayors too. We’ll allow people to bet on which official and what indiscretion, with bonus points for specifics: heterosexual or homosexual affair, which type of drug, how many millions in illegal contributions, etc. In the event of a tie, the person who made the prediction the earliest will win the prize.

Which brings up an interesting point: what are we playing for?

Hmm…

How about, whoever wins gets to take the place of the official involved in the scandal until their replacement is elected or appointed? Sound good?

I’ll get things started with three of my own:

First, a gimme: Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions is outed by a African-American transvestite who claims to have had an affair with him for the last nine years (starting when he was 15).

Next, North Carolina Rep. Sue Wilkins Myrick is indicted for allegedly laundering money from Afghan heroin gangs through her contacts in Taiwan using dummy accounts in the name of a church-based children’s theatre company.

And finally, Idaho Governor C.L. “Butch” Otter will be arrested upon returning from Canada for possession of four pounds of marijuana, hidden inside the lining of his signature black, ten-gallon hat.

I’m hoping Butch gets the cuffs slapped on first. It would be sweet to sign an executive order making everybody eat potatoes at least two meals a day to stimulate the economy.