Legislative Dilemma

One of our government’s bizarre intricacies has come to light in the past several days, one that has been going on for years, one that has the potential to create a Constitutional showdown that will shake the nation to its very core, but one that to date has somehow escaped the public eye. It is sure to be a highly-scrutinized topic for the foreseeable future.

Everybody who watched their “Schoolhouse Rock” episodes knows how legislation comes into existence. Bills are written and submitted to the legislative bodies, debated in committee, amended, voted upon, and those that survive are sent to the President for his signature or veto. In recent years, the process of the President affixing his signature to a piece of legislation has been given a new twist. The President has been adding something called a “signing statement” to the law. This, in a purely legal sense, is meaningless. But to the President, whose responsibility it is to enforce the law he is signing, it represents the perceived authorization to dictate the terms of the legislation. Instead of a line-item veto, it is essentially a line-item amendment — without Congress (and by extension, the citizens of the United States whom they represent) getting a chance to vote on it.

But after doing some investigation on the subject, I uncovered some details that make the situation far worse than expected. I have researched the signing statements by President George W. Bush, reportedly the most prolific signing statement practitioner, and compiled them below. I have listed them for your consideration: you may judge for yourselves.

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March 9, 2003: Justice Department officials must give reports to Congress by certain dates on how the FBI is using the USA Patriot Act to search homes and secretly seize papers.

Bush’s signing statement: “The president can order Justice Department officials to withhold any information from Congress if he decides it could impair national security or executive branch operations.”

Dec. 30, 2003: US interrogators cannot torture prisoners or otherwise subject them to cruel, inhuman, and degrading treatment.

Bush’s signing statement: “The president, as commander in chief, can waive the torture ban if he decides that harsh interrogation techniques will assist in preventing terrorist attacks.”

Dec. 30, 2003: When requested, scientific information ”prepared by government researchers and scientists shall be transmitted [to Congress] uncensored and without delay.”

Bush’s signing statement: “The president can tell researchers to withhold any information from Congress if he decides its disclosure could, like, make it harder for me to lie to people, and stuff.”

Jun. 23, 2004: Forbids US troops in Colombia from participating in any combat against rebels, except in cases of self-defense. Caps the number of US troops allowed in Colombia at 800.

Bush’s signing statement: “Only the president, as commander in chief, can place restrictions on the use of guns and bombs and grenades and big zappy things. I flew some cool planes when I was in the Navy, you know. I can make things blow up.”

Aug. 8,  2004: The Department of Energy, the Nuclear Regulatory Commission and its contractors may not fire or otherwise punish an employee whistle-blower who tells Congress about possible wrongdoing.

Bush’s signing statement: “The president or his appointees will determine whether the word is actually pronounced ‘NUKE-lee-err’ or ‘NUKE-ya-ler’. And those guys work for me. So from now on it’s ‘NUKE-ya-ler’. And we’re gonna spell it like that too.”

Aug. 17, 2005: The new national intelligence director shall recruit and train women and minorities to be spies, analysts, and translators in order to ensure diversity in the intelligence community.

Bush’s signing statement: “Maybe now they’ll get some more hot chicks down at Langley. Girls with big hooters make great spies: dumb foreigners get hypnotized by their rack and just start blurtin’ stuff out. In fact, by affixing my signature hereto I officially authorize the creation of the D-Cup Special Intelligence Task Force. We’ll fund it with money I was going to give to those crippled kids in that country where they can’t grow nothin’.

Nov. 6, 2005: US officials in Iraq cannot prevent an inspector general for the Coalition Provisional Authority from carrying out any investigation. The inspector general must tell Congress if officials refuse to cooperate with his inquiries.

Bush’s signing statement: “The inspector general shall refrain from investigating anything involving me or anybody I hired, or Dick, or any of his buddies, ‘cuz if those guys keep poking around they’re gonna find out about the stuff we did over there, and that just ain’t cool. Besides, whatever they find out it don’t matter, I’m just gonna pardon the guy anyway.”

Aug. 5, 2007: The military cannot add to its files any illegally gathered intelligence, including information obtained about Americans in violation of the Fourth Amendment’s protection against unreasonable searches.

Bush’s signing statement: “Why do I gotta sign all this crap anyhow? I’m just going to tell Dick to have those guys save it all up and put it into one big stack, and at the end of the year I’ll just put a big ‘X’ on it with some spray paint and be done with it.”

Oct. 29, 2007: Defense Department personnel are prohibited from interfering with the ability of military lawyers to give independent legal advice to their commanders.

Bush’s signing statement: “You guys see the new all-you-can-eat chimichanga deal they got down at Chili’s? I can’t just show up there and pig out, ‘cuzuh all those dudes with knives and whatever. So I had the Secret Service guys go down there and bring me about six hundred of those bad boys. My burps made three Cabinet members pass out this morning. That was so cool.”

Nov. 5, 2007: Creates an Institute of Education Sciences whose director may conduct and publish research ”without the approval of the secretary [of education] or any other office of the department.”

Bush’s signing statement: “Let’s get this over with, Scooby Doo is on in like five minutes. Why the hell do you guys schedule this crap when my shows are on? I’m gonna write a Presidential Order saying that you guys can’t come in here when I’m watching Scooby Doo, Family Guy, or Elmo’s World, or else you’ll spend ten thousand years of breaking rocks at Fort Knox. I’m not foolin’ around, neither. Now get lost. And gimme that remote back.”