At Least That Many June 24, 2009
Posted by naughtwirthreeding in Entertainment and Media, Humor, Life, News & Events, Politics.comments closed
Boy, they’re falling down faster than they can set them up, aren’t they?
On Wednesday South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford returned from a bizarre trip to what turned out to be Buenos Aires, then held a press conference to admit his affair with an Argentinian woman that he’s known for close to a decade. He joins the lengthy list of Republican politicians who have pressed the self-destruct buttons on their political careers, giving in to their baser instincts for money, power, pleasure, or chemically-induced euphoria.
So long is the list, in fact, that it’s hard to keep up. Nary a week ago we had the Republican Senator from Nevada John Ensign confessing to an affair with a former staffer, now this. Looking back over just the last four years you find names like Foley, Cunningham, Tobias, DeLay, Stevens, Boehner, Murphy, Privette, Flory, Vitter, Allen, and on and on. And those are just the ones we know about! Chances are there are at least that many, if not more, with skeletons in the closet we just haven’t found yet.
To that end, I think we should make the best of what is surely a tragic situation and have a little fun with it.
Let’s start a betting pool.
We’ll compile a list of every GOP elected official from the state level on up, including governors and mayors too. We’ll allow people to bet on which official and what indiscretion, with bonus points for specifics: heterosexual or homosexual affair, which type of drug, how many millions in illegal contributions, etc. In the event of a tie, the person who made the prediction the earliest will win the prize.
Which brings up an interesting point: what are we playing for?
Hmm…
How about, whoever wins gets to take the place of the official involved in the scandal until their replacement is elected or appointed? Sound good?
I’ll get things started with three of my own:
First, a gimme: Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions is outed by a African-American transvestite who claims to have had an affair with him for the last nine years (starting when he was 15).
Next, North Carolina Rep. Sue Wilkins Myrick is indicted for allegedly laundering money from Afghan heroin gangs through her contacts in Taiwan using dummy accounts in the name of a church-based children’s theatre company.
And finally, Idaho Governor C.L. “Butch” Otter will be arrested upon returning from Canada for possession of four pounds of marijuana, hidden inside the lining of his signature black, ten-gallon hat.
I’m hoping Butch gets the cuffs slapped on first. It would be sweet to sign an executive order making everybody eat potatoes at least two meals a day to stimulate the economy.
Grandpa Reeding’s Horse June 22, 2009
Posted by naughtwirthreeding in Humor.comments closed
It became known on Monday that South Carolina Republican Governor Mark Sanford was, umm, well… he was, kind of, nowhere to be found. His wife commented to the press on Monday that the Governor had left on Friday, not saying where he was going, and she didn’t know his whereabouts.
After this news hit the Twitterscape the S.C. GOP rushed to locate Governor Sanford, hastily notify his office (who was also oblivious to the circumstances of his departure), and release a statement that the Governor was fine. Word was that the extended battles over the stimulus had caused a few of the Governor’s projects to fall by the wayside, and he had taken some time out from his normal schedule to get caught up.
Wow. I haven’t seen somebody shovel that much shit since Grandpa Reeding’s horse got into the Ex-Lax!
So what was Governor Sanford up to, really? We may never know, unless he reveals his secret love for musicals and shows up in some off-Broadway production of “Carousel.” But given his history, his party affiliation, and the events of the past several weeks, we can speculate as to the possibilities and perhaps narrow them down to a few.
I have taken the liberty of doing exactly that.
- Spending three days dressed in his authentic Confederate soldier’s uniform commiserating with Texas Governor Rick Perry, a case of Maker’s Mark, and some old videos of Richard Nixon and Joe McCarthy
- Off on a long-weekend jaunt to the Dominican Republic with Rush Limbaugh, Justice Samuel Alito and Chuck Norris to snort coke and have sex with 12-year-old boys
- Gathering the funds illegally siphoned off from the Federal stimulus money sent to South Carolina, and betting $10,000 on every long shot at a Kentucky dog track, all the time mumbling, “Screw that training-bra bitch and her damned high school…”
- Dressed up in American flag boxer shorts and a wife beater shirt, watching Sarah Palin’s Twitter stream and jerking off whenever a new tweet arrives
- Crying on the phone to Larry Craig’s answering machine, begging him to pick up the phone, saying he just wants to talk like they used to
- Making sure all of his ties to James Von Brunn are neatly tied up and untraceable
- Working with tobacco companies, chemists, nutritionists and holistic medicine specialists to try to find a way to designate cigarettes as “part of a balanced diet”
- Going to West Virginia with his kids’ babysitter to pay for her abortion
Since the GOP has shown little willingness to tell the truth about anything, I invite you to take any one of the above and substitute it for the pathetic excuse that Governor Sanford offers when pressed on his actual whereabouts. Both have an equal chance of being the truth.
Rep. Bachmann’s Great Idea June 20, 2009
Posted by naughtwirthreeding in Humor.comments closed
The Honorable Representative from Minnesota Michele Bachmann, now known for her almost monthly declarations of stupidity and Stalinism, has declared that she is refusing to fill out her form for the upcoming 2010 U.S. Census. She is protesting some fool-idiot thing so far-fetched and ridiculous that I won’t spend the time explaining it. It’s pretty much to the point now that if Michele Bachmann is supporting it, you don’t even want an explanation: just oppose it.
At any rate, this is the one exception to that rule. I am encouraging every right-minded conservative to follow her lead. FOX News disciples, you should be right on top of this. One could say it’s your duty as a patriotic American to abstain from the Census entirely. After all, it’s your God-given right to refuse to bow to this tyranny, so protest your oppression by tearing up that form the minute you get it.
I hope the conservatives of this country follow through on this and join Michele Bachmann in her Census protest. I honestly do. Many of you, knowing me to be the dyed-in-the-sack-cloth Progressive that I am, will wonder why.
Well, it goes like this. The Census results are used to determine how many Representatives a state gets in the House. If a significant number of conservatives refuse to fill out their Census form, then conservative-leaning states will show up as having fewer people than they actually do. Those states will lose representation in the House in favor of fully-counted Progressive-leaning states, and the Democratic majority will increase.
So you see, in her rush to find the nearest microphone and say something she thinks will whip up the GOP’s base, Representative Bachmann has actually managed to come up with a really great idea… for the Democrats. And the funny thing is, the number of idiots that will follow her like the lobotomized sheep that they are will number in the tens of thousands, oblivious to the fact that they are playing the lead role in the most hilarious irony of our time.
I’m going to have a ball filling out my Census form, laughing my ass off just thinking about all of the moronic mouth-breathers indignantly tearing that form up the day they find it in the bullet-dented mailbox.
Thank you, Michele, I’m going to be sending you a muffin basket.
