Ump on a Blog

It became known on Monday that South Carolina Republican Governor Mark Sanford was, umm, well… he was, kind of, nowhere to be found. His wife commented to the press on Monday that the Governor had left on Friday, not saying where he was going, and she didn’t know his whereabouts.

After this news hit the Twitterscape the S.C. GOP rushed to locate Governor Sanford, hastily notify his office (who was also oblivious to the circumstances of his departure), and release a statement that the Governor was fine. Word was that the extended battles over the stimulus had caused a few of the Governor’s projects to fall by the wayside, and he had taken some time out from his normal schedule to get caught up.

Wow. I haven’t seen somebody shovel that much shit since Grandpa Reeding’s horse got into the Ex-Lax!

So what was Governor Sanford up to, really? We may never know, unless he reveals his secret love for musicals and shows up in some off-Broadway production of “Carousel.” But given his history, his party affiliation, and the events of the past several weeks, we can speculate as to the possibilities and perhaps narrow them down to a few.

I have taken the liberty of doing exactly that.

• Spending three days dressed in his authentic Confederate soldier’s uniform commiserating with Texas Governor Rick Perry, a case of Maker’s Mark, and some old videos of Richard Nixon and Joe McCarthy
• Off on a long-weekend jaunt to the Dominican Republic with Rush Limbaugh, Justice Samuel Alito and Chuck Norris to snort coke and have sex with 12-year-old boys
• Gathering the funds illegally siphoned off from the Federal stimulus money sent to South Carolina, and betting $10,000 on every long shot at a Kentucky dog track, all the time mumbling, “Screw that training-bra bitch and her damned high school…”
• Dressed up in American flag boxer shorts and a wife beater shirt, watching Sarah Palin’s Twitter stream and jerking off whenever a new tweet arrives
• Crying on the phone to Larry Craig’s answering machine, begging him to pick up the phone, saying he just wants to talk like they used to
• Making sure all of his ties to James Von Brunn are neatly tied up and untraceable
• Working with tobacco companies, chemists, nutritionists and holistic medicine specialists to try to find a way to designate cigarettes as “part of a balanced diet”
• Going to West Virginia with his kids’ babysitter to pay for her abortion

Since the GOP has shown little willingness to tell the truth about anything, I invite you to take any one of the above and substitute it for the pathetic excuse that Governor Sanford offers when pressed on his actual whereabouts. Both have an equal chance of being the truth.