Ump on a Blog

Boy, they’re falling down faster than they can set them up, aren’t they?

On Wednesday South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford returned from a bizarre trip to what turned out to be Buenos Aires, then held a press conference to admit his affair with an Argentinian woman that he’s known for close to a decade. He joins the lengthy list of Republican politicians who have pressed the self-destruct buttons on their political careers, giving in to their baser instincts for money, power, pleasure, or chemically-induced euphoria.

So long is the list, in fact, that it’s hard to keep up. Nary a week ago we had the Republican Senator from Nevada John Ensign confessing to an affair with a former staffer, now this. Looking back over just the last four years you find names like Foley, Cunningham, Tobias, DeLay, Stevens, Boehner, Murphy, Privette, Flory, Vitter, Allen, and on and on. And those are just the ones we know about! Chances are there are at least that many, if not more, with skeletons in the closet we just haven’t found yet.

To that end, I think we should make the best of what is surely a tragic situation and have a little fun with it.

Let’s start a betting pool.

We’ll compile a list of every GOP elected official from the state level on up, including governors and mayors too. We’ll allow people to bet on which official and what indiscretion, with bonus points for specifics: heterosexual or homosexual affair, which type of drug, how many millions in illegal contributions, etc. In the event of a tie, the person who made the prediction the earliest will win the prize.

Which brings up an interesting point: what are we playing for?

Hmm…

How about, whoever wins gets to take the place of the official involved in the scandal until their replacement is elected or appointed? Sound good?

I’ll get things started with three of my own:

First, a gimme: Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions is outed by a African-American transvestite who claims to have had an affair with him for the last nine years (starting when he was 15).

Next, North Carolina Rep. Sue Wilkins Myrick is indicted for allegedly laundering money from Afghan heroin gangs through her contacts in Taiwan using dummy accounts in the name of a church-based children’s theatre company.

And finally, Idaho Governor C.L. “Butch” Otter will be arrested upon returning from Canada for possession of four pounds of marijuana, hidden inside the lining of his signature black, ten-gallon hat.

I’m hoping Butch gets the cuffs slapped on first. It would be sweet to sign an executive order making everybody eat potatoes at least two meals a day to stimulate the economy.