Ump on a Blog

Well! It’s been quite a six months since the elections, hasn’t it? The bank bailout, the economic stimulus, the car companies, AIG, financial sector bonuses, the fact that the election is STILL not over in Minnesota, Alren Spector jumping the aisle, an American held hostage by Somali pirates, Dick Cheney directly authorizing the use of torture, the closing of Guantanamo Bay — or not, Proposition 8, and the nomination of the first Hispanic to the U.S. Supreme Court. And let’s not forget all of the teeth-gnashing, hair-pulling, and trash talking from every fascis— er, Republican pol, pundit, and pip-squeak with a pulse and access to a microphone.

Have I forgotten anything? Oh yeah: the Palin kid had another Palin kid; Jon & Kate (of ‘Plus 8′ fame) might split up; and Ashton Kutcher convinced Oprah to challenge CNN to fight Paris Hilton to be the most popular person on MyTwitFace. Or something.

There are a few things to say…

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The California Supreme Court ruling upholding Proposition 8 is a preposterous miscarriage of justice. It essentially says that the State of California will allow a well-organized group of hate-mongering propagandists to railroad a bill through the referendum process regardless of how egregiously that bill discriminates against one specific segment of our society. It’s the homosexuals’ Jim Crow setting down roots.

Unfortunately the chances are so bleak for being overturned at the federal level — thanks to the stacking of the Court with the Fascist Four; Roberts, Alito, Thomas and Scalia — that the Prop. 8 opponents may turn to other means to have the law struck down. What those may be, I’m not sure. But this is when we see the real-world consequences of ideologues putting puppet regimes on the U.S. Supreme Court: the Constitution is used as toilet paper in favor of the twisted bigotry of a small group of rich, well-connected white males.

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So everybody and their brother on the Right says waterboarding isn’t torture. A few brave souls even volunteer to be waterboarded themselves to prove it. All but one chicken out — all but proving the point right there.

But the one who goes through with it, one Eric “Mancow” Muller with whom I am relatively familiar living near Chicago as I do, comes out of the experience with the following statement: “It’s torture. That’s drowning, it’s not simulated anything!”

After this hits the mainstream media and becomes a YouTube sensation, perpetual loud-mouthed ignoramus jerk-bag Sean Hannity has the huevos to call up Mr. Muller to declare that — even though Mancow has just gone through the procedure himself, and even though Hannity was one of the brazen cowards who volunteered and then backed out when called on the carpet — waterboarding isn’t *really* torture, you’re just being a wimp.

Hannity, you’re a despicable piece of shit, a coward, and a liar. Go fuck yourself. Sideways. With a steam shovel. While it’s running. Piss-ant little shit-heel: why don’t you go suck Rush Limbaugh’s tiny little dick, if you can find it.

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Bristol Palin: quit while you’re behind. You are making yourself look like more and more of an airheaded tramp every time you open your mouth. You are walking proof that abstinence education doesn’t work, and yet you’re walking around trying to convince people that it does. How stupid is that? Get off the campaign trail and try to be a good mother to your son. That’s about the only way you will regain any respect with the American public.

Oh, and sign on for a spread in Playboy. You’ll get at least six figures, the issue will sell out, and the money will put your kid through college. Twenty million hard-up high-school boys are eagerly anticipating it.

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Norm Coleman, don’t be an idiot. The longer this goes on, the worse it will look when you get nominated to take Michael Steele’s position at the RNC. Just bail, it’s over, let them seat Stuart Smalley and have their 60-seat majority. The courts are going to come back with that decision anyhow, better to surrender and live to fight another day. Lay low for a while and let things settle down before you step back into the limelight. That is, if the ethics investigations don’t force you out of politics for good…

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A radical Muslim terrorist in a SuperMax prison fifty miles down the road, or a convicted child molester living fifty yards down the street from you. Which would you rather have? Because I guarantee you, right now the second one of those choices is probably true for you — you just don’t know it.

Don’t fall prey to the idiotic fear-mongering of the Right Wing-Nuts. It’s a load of crap. We face more danger making a right turn on red than we do moving terrorists onto American soil. Guantanamo is a disgrace: America used to set the standard for giving prisoners fair treatment, now we set the standard for prisoner abuse. Is that how we want the world to see us? Is that how we want our grandchildren to read about our generation?

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Dow is up over 1000 points off it’s 2009 low; 9 out of ten economists surveyed in the last week indicate that they now believe the American economy will start expanding *this* year instead of next year; and in April the consumer confidence index took its biggest jump in six years.

Hey conservatives: the economic stimulus was supposed to ruin the economy? Blast unemployment into the stratosphere? Jack inflation through the roof? Devalue the dollar below the Hungarian Forint? Cause American businesses to collapse?

I notice we haven’t heard any of you screaming at the top of your lungs on the talk shows lately. Is that, perhaps, because you were DEAD WRONG?!?

Next time you want to go shooting your mouths off regarding something about which you know less than a five-year-old, look up the meaning of this acronym: STFU.