Bow Before Me

The date was July 14, 2005. I posted a blog entry on my now-defunct, “Talking Hawks” site, a fan site for the Chicago Blackhawks hockey team. I was saying goodbye to the team, the league and the sport, a decision borne of pure rage from the signing of the new collective bargaining agreement and the implementation of the shoot-out to break ties.

The CBA instituted a salary cap tied to team revenues, a provision that, I warned, would bring the league to an end within 20 years. One of the ways this would begin to manifest itself, I foretold, was that the lowering of player salaries would mean teams in Europe would now be able to bid competitively for top-name talent:

“First, the salary cap. As if putting a limit on a player’s earnings wasn’t bad enough, the players have foolishly agreed to tie their collective earnings to the owners’ revenue. This will cause a never-ending downward spiral, causing player salaries be cut in half by the start of next season, and making it more lucrative for top-name talent to play in Europe. Permanently. The NHL has just guaranteed itself the position of no-longer-the-premier-hockey-league in the world.”

Almost three years ago to the day.

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This morning, Russian team Avangard Omsk issued a press release. TSN, the premiere sports TV/web site in Canada, reported it as follows:

It appears Jaromir Jagr’s days in the National Hockey League are over.

The Russian hockey team Avangard Omsk announced it has signed the former New York Rangers star and Jagr’s agent, Pat Brisson, confirmed the move Friday afternoon.

“Jaromir signed a letter of intent with the Avangard Omsk Hockey team of the Russian CHL on or about 3am EST this morning. I won’t comment on the terms of the agreement at this time.It was a very difficult but personal decision to make in light of the many NHL teams interested in his services. He is grateful to the NHL and especially the Rangers in recent years.”

Local and international media are reporting that Jagr will be paid $35 million for two years. There is also reportedly an option for a third season.

For those of you who don’t know, Jaromir Jagr is arguably one of the top five NHL players in the post-expansion era. He is 36 years old, has 18 years in the league, amassing 646 goals and 1599 points. Last year he had 25 goals and 71 points as a member of the New York Rangers, proving he is still in his prime.

I am going to gloat, and I am going to gloat loudly! These idiots were wrong, they have taken the lid off of Pandora’s box, and the only thing that can save the league from complete collapse is rescinding the salary cap provision.

What will happen next? Simple. Avangard Omsk will see ticket sales skyrocket to levels never seen before in the Russian league. They will win the league championship. Other teams will need to become more competitive, and will (if they are not already doing so) start going after other NHL talent. More buyers going after scarce resources will drive up prices, and with salaries necessarily limited for NHL teams, before long there will be no way for them to compete against the big-dollar offers coming in from Europe.

Talent in the NHL will get diluted, games will become less entertaining, fans will lose interest, and ticket revenue will decline. That means lower revenues for owners, resulting in a decrease in salary cap levels, further limiting teams’ abilities to bargain for top-name talent competitively. Decreasing salary cap levels also means lower player salaries, meaning European teams can procure top-name talent even cheaper. That means more bidders chasing the scarce resources, driving up prices (salaries), and the cycle continues.

Or should I say, the downward spiral.

I want Gary Bettman, Bob Goodenow, that cocky arrogant jerk-stain Bill Daly, and EVERY NHL player who voted in favor of that collective bargaining agreement to bow before me, kiss my ring, and beg forgiveness.

And if they want my assistance in reviving the league once it’s gone completely in the crapper, I will be happy to help. All I will ask in return is a modest consulting fee (think the big-B, boys — BUH-illion) and ownership of the Toronto Maple Leafs.

I can only hope somebody comes to their senses and fixes this situation before we get to that point.

Back From Purgatory

Hey, it’s been a while! Lots to talk about…

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President Bush has decided, apparently, that when it comes to Congress, he’s taking his football and going home. The president is dictating the terms of all appropriations legislation to the House and Senate, and if that legislation comes in too high or too low in terms of dollars, he’s vetoing it. No negotiations, no compromise, just give me what I want or do it over again. He figures he’s got enough votes in the Senate to sustain the veto, he’s going to do what he wants.

Well, this is not the way government works. This is not a monarchy, this is not a dictatorship. This is a Republic, and for better or worse, the two branches of government have to work together to get anything done. Presidents Reagan, Bush Sr., and Clinton all managed to pass legislation, including some landmark, game-changing, and ground-breaking stuff; has nobody explained to Dubya how this works?

There is only a year or so left in this buffoon’s presidency, it’s time to make a decision. Either give the spoiled little prick what he wants (within reason) for the next 12 months and tough it out, or draw a line in the sand and stick to it, consequences be damned. In my younger days I would have said, “screw him.” Now, despite the fact that I think this guy will go down as the most well-rounded imbecile ever to have tainted the good name of the United States, we should just grit our teeth, get our licks in where we can, and wait for 2008. If we keep an eye on the twerp he shouldn’t be able to do too much damage.

At least, nothing that a Democratic president and control of both houses won’t fix…

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I am tremendously impressed by the amount of green technology coming our way. Every time I turn around I am hearing about more and more breakthroughs and techniques that will change the way we live. Hydrogen extraction for powering everything from computers to portable medical packs to cars, trucks, and planes; ways to extract carbon dioxide from the atmosphere and either store it or put it to practical use; or a new way to use recycled materials to actually produce something other than more recyclable materials.

On the heels of that, however, is the news from the “second world” countries: places like China and India that are bridging the gap between an agrarian society and an industrialized one. These countries have massive populations (fully 1/3 of the world’s population), their governments are encouraging and in fact initiating some of the most aggressive urbanization projects in history, and the middle-class is exploding.

The news is, for every gallon of gas we consume in North America, China and India consume ten. So in places where cars are built for low cost (with *no* concern for environmental considerations), they will put an additional… wait for it… ONE BILLION cars on the road in the next ten years, and our CO2 problem will multiply themselves exponentially.

If we want to get our greenhouse gas problem under control, that solution cannot begin and end here in the U.S. It has to start in southeast Asia, or it’s a waste of time.

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Everybody is thinking this, nobody is saying it, so I’m going to say it.

Barry Bonds is a cheat. Kick him out of baseball, rescind his home run record, and bar him from the Hall of Fame.

Now if we do that, we have to bounce McGuire and Sosa too, so we’d better be ready for a bloodletting. But this isn’t the fate of the world, this is sports: put in its simplest terms, this is entertainment.

We can afford to take a moral stand on the matter for the sake of the sport, and more importantly, the impressionable kids who idolize and imitate these athletes.

So: baseball, give these ‘roid freaks the boot; football and basketball, implement a one-felony, one-expulsion policy; hockey, jeez… where do I start? Fighting? Betting? Huffing? Pick ‘em; cycling, like I have to tell you; college sports, just ask the star sophomore running back driving the Bentley what needs to be fixed, he’ll tell you.

Ultimately all of these problems come down to the matter of sacrificing money for principle. I know it’s tough to stare down the possibility of only having ten zeroes on the bottom line instead of eleven, but I think you’ll adjust. Get some grief counseling.

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The folks at Playboy, Penthouse, etc. need to be more on the ball. All of us guys out here have been itching to get a look at Britney and Lindsay in the altogether. Their careers are in the dumpster, they could both use the money. They’re ripe for the picking. Come on, bring it!

Out To Pasture

Dateline July 2, 2027, Detroit Michigan.

The Detroit Red Wings surprised nobody today by extending yet another one-year contract to 65-year-old defenseman Chris Chelios, about to start his 41st season in the NHL (accounting for the three lockout seasons beginning in 2004-05).

Red Wings Senior GM and team President Josh Langfeld, who was a teammate of Chelios’ until his retirement in 2018, said the signing “continued a long and proud tradition” with the Red Wings organization, and as long as Chelios was eager to play, there would be a place for him on the roster.

Team Owner Steve Yzerman, who spent 22 years as a Red Wing before joining the front office and eventually buying the franchise, is still recuperating from his second hip replacement surgery and was unavailable for comment. However he did release a statement through the front office that read, in part, “Chelli and I have known each other for longer than either one of us can remember.”

The news of the contract renewal comes just a week after Chelios’ grandson, 19-year-old Michael Chelios, in his second year with the Ottawa 67’s, was drafted in the third round by the Red Wings. If the younger Chelios can put on a show in training camp, it may be the first time in NHL history that a player skates alongside his grandfather in the same NHL game.

Not all faces were smiling in the Red Wings organization, however. Rumblings from players at the end of last season told a pathetic story of an old man too stubborn to know when the fat lady has sung. It was widely known that Chelios would skate no more than two shifts in the first period, remain in the locker room for a nap during the second, and sit the rest of the game mumbling to himself on the bench. But rumors have also emerged about more serious deterioration than was widely reported.

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, one staff member close to the situation admitted that Chelios regularly uses a walker to get from the locker room to the bench. He has also been reported to storm around hotel hallways on road trips, scolding younger players for throwing televisions out windows, while yelling “[Expletive] Nagano!” Most alarmingly, prior to a game in Pittsburgh in 2025, Chelios apparently believed he was in a diner outside of Red Deer, asked the trainer to make him some tapioca pudding, then wet himself. He was listed as a healthy scratch for the contest, and spent two days under observation at a nearby hospital.

As has been the case for the last several years, Chelios will earn no salary from his latest contract. The cost of medical insurance incurred by the Red Wings is greater than the sum agreed to between the team and his agent. This is of little consequence to Chelios, who according to his family has not been fully able to grasp the concept of money for nearly two years.

At the signing ceremony and press conference Chelios looked fit and alert, though was quickly wheeled off the platform when he began drooling.

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Chris, Jesus, how long are you going to keep this up? Wirtz tossed you out of Chicago because you were an embarassment back in ‘98. You haven’t improved since then. Hang ‘em up, lease a Mercedes, and sell life insurance like every other ex-player your age. You look like an idiot out there.